Dear Ða&Da,

"If you've finished a bottle of whiskey before lunch time," the Canadian mountaineer told me, "you've got trouble."  Pink laments: "No opiates to send me into outer space." Constant addiction switching saved me from the rut.

 The wrong man was shot to death in a hospital this week. A rugby injury turned terminal after the patient was misidentified as a yakuza. The shooter will probably have to cut off his pinky for his blunder, but not his trigger finger.

"I went to worship my ancestors at Yasukuni Shrine," the nationalist told me. "Whenever, I have that feeling," I responded, "I give a monkey a banana."

 She found out about her husband's affair on Valentine's Day.  "It was the happiest day of my life," she told me, "I was looking for an excuse to dump him."

 Best way to lose an election: lose 50 million pension records, and then pretend it is no big deal.  Ask Mr. Abe.

 A bored housewife in Chiba becomes a hooker.  Her first customer was her husband. 

"I need to change something," she sighed, "maybe cosmetic surgery?"  "Why don't you try reading?" I suggested, 'Rewire your brain." "Reading!" she screamed, "it's too difficult." She is a whore now.

 When a member of the thuggish Kameda family was losing a boxing match, he resorted to wrestling, picking up his opponent and throwing him on the mat.  His brother yelled suggestions about low blows and elbows, but to no avail. 

 The cliterati are disappointed.  Soft On Demand assigned plants to buy up hundreds of copies of the same porno video, so "Softies" would win the porno actress awards.  It turns out the porno business is as fake as their orgasms.

 Several food Japanese food companies are in the doghouse, for removing or tampering with the expiration dates on their labels.

Bark on,

 Mr Lunatik

Dear 4000,

"You want Eric crapped on?" the eager bartender in a Shimo-Kitazawa bar asked.   "Sure, why not?" I answered, looking round for Eric the fecal freak. When the dreary lyrics of "I Shot The Sheriff." came on, I felt more like crapping than clapping.

I took her to an "Adult Toys" shop in Kabukicho; stopping to admire the line of vibrators topped with former prime ministers' heads.  "Who do you like?" I asked.  No answer, she was passed out on the floor. 　Too bad, she missed my favorite, the Hello Kitty. tool. Hello Kitty, Hello Pussy.

Ego strokes for older guys: sleeping with women less than half your age.  Women who are not whoring or seeking promotion, but actually like you.  The fractions game is best not played in your twenties.

I wondered if the American loudmouth with "Momma" tattooed on his arm was influenced by Baudrillard's ideas on images and identity. Or had he considered "M"s inked on his ass cheeks, his hole serving as the "O"? Upside down, of course, is wow.

A night of canned heat and liquid laughter was capped by flying upside down.  It was great while it lasted, but then gravity kicked in. Flipping off your bike is very temporary fun.

Nova, the biggest English language school in Japan, is closed. Call it a scam rather than a school, an organized crime. Lie to customers, lie to staff. Enforce racism while ripping off locals. Blame it on the Boss of Nova.

Neither Hard Gay nor Real Hard Gay are gay.  Welcome to the wacky world of Japanese television.

Alone and lost in a dark forest, accompanied only by the distant boom of a Buddhist temple bell. 15 kilometers of sweating, up and down three mountains, wondering how to pull this one off. Two hours later I roared through the world's busiest railway station, heading for a chic Italian restaurant in one of Tokyo's trendiest districts. Just another day off in the Big Sushi.

Cheers, L